This is Not A Love Letter

“And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.”

Hi, I know you probably wouldn’t read this.
This post has been sitting in my drafts for quite a while now.
I’ve been looking for the right words that would perfectly translate on how i felt for you. But in the end, i gave up. I think there will never be the perfect sentence,letter or quote that will express on how i feel about you.
It will never interpret how i felt for you when i catch a glimpse of you, when you give me butterflies in my stomach, when you told me how beautiful i was.
I always tell myself that you’re the right person who i met at the wrong time. Whenever i thought about you, i would reminisce the days when i almost had you.
I remember how we met, you added me on Facebook and before i realized it we were chatting til the wee hours. It surprised me because i never talk about my feelings to some person i just met.  Still, i looked forward to going home because i know that we could chat for hours on end.
Do you remember how we’d always exchange songs at midnight and you’ll sing them to me sometimes at school. The sound of your voice was my favorite tune. We were both shy and wary of our feelings. I was the quiet type and you were the popular guy, we never had closure but we knew that there was something between us. It was inevitable.
I remember accidentally sending you that stupid cheesy text message that i hope you deleted! It was the most awkward and indirect way to confess my feelings to you. This eventually led to our first date, but sorry for not actually realizing that it was a date,i was clueless back then, i thought we were just hanging out but you came out of your way to pay the snacks for the movie and you gave me the ticket for free. It was one of the moments that will be a keepsake in my memories. You started putting away all the doubts that i had on this stupid thing called love.
But life has a way of screwing you up. just when i was so close on giving love a chance, you already found someone else. there were times when i wish the wall would swallow me whole whenever i see you two together. I tried not to care, i really did.  There were moments where i’ll just see you giving her flowers and your group of friends act as the entourage. Sometimes the bitter words would come out from my mouth that i’d ask my friends “What if i took the chance like she did? would we end up together like that?” or “What if i was as thin and as pretty as her? Babalik kaya siya?”
Eventually, i found out you broke up with her, but fate was clear between us i started dating someone because i was sick of waiting of not having any closure, of what the hell are we suppose to be, of our hide and seek, of these feelings that i don’t know if it’ll ever blossom.
You were always there though, you were there to help me when i have a problem at school. sometimes, i felt that you wanted me back. We had our own crazy little world when we’re together but our relationship was a blur.
I still remember talking about “500 days of Summer” with our friends and saying that it was my favorite movie. You said it was your favorite too, i knew that. I remember you once wrote my name on my arm similar to what Tom did to Summer, you’d use to send me the soundtrack from the movie and you’re favorite was “Sugar Town”. Then you playfully said that i was Summer and you were Tom. I never did get why i was Summer. I never did agree with you on that one and left the conversation hanging, but now i do, i remember when i ignored your feelings just because i wanted to move on, i remember when the things we loved talking about and the things we used to do were gone, i remember how i was once scared of commitment but here i’am now. That movie was our legit love story. Did you remember what i said about how i will make a relationship last for 1 year if i were in one? it was a subtle hint about you.
To tell you the truth i never wanted to be Summer. I wanted to be Hermoine and you’d be Ron Weasley and that someday we’d have little ginger kids.
It’s funny because we could have been partners in crime, we could have been the ones who were silly couples fighting and making things work together. I sometimes imagine myself listening to our favorite songs, to The Beatles or The Smiths and neither one of us is complaining that it sucks or that we should switch it to some crappy pop song. We’d end up slow dancing to Regina Spektor or dance like crazy to Amy Winehouse. You’d sing me Ingrid Michealson songs or you’ll give me a dance number of “You make my dreams come true”. Our movie marathons would consist of Harry potter, Star wars and anything that geeks us out.
Those were always the What if’s that crossed my mind, but i know how dense you are. I know that i’m the only one that will always care, the one who’ll write about you because you’re the kind of guy that girls like to write about. We’re living different lives now, and i don’t think that you even care about me or that i cross your mind just for once.
But still if i had to choose again, i’d choose you.
I remember one of your last text messages that i saved that says i should wake up and face this cruel world. A cruel world indeed, a world where i couldn’t have you.

3 thoughts on “This is Not A Love Letter

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